


In the Wee Small Hours

by H4T08



Series: Behind the Door [15]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Darkness, Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, finding happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-10 05:24:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12905007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H4T08/pseuds/H4T08
Summary: Resolutions: The process of reducing things into a simpler form.But is it really that simple?





	1. Of the Morning

**Author's Note:**

> Added scenes in the episode “Resolutions”. 
> 
> This was the first Voyager story I wrote. All the rest of the stories in the ‘Behind Closed Doors’ series came tumbling out after this one. I’m still in the middle of sprucing this up, but it shouldn’t take too long to post. 
> 
> The title and the chapter titles come from the song “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning” sung by Frank Sinatra. Since dusting this one off, I put the album (by the same name) on repeat, drink a glass of wine, and let the melodies help me with the mood of this piece. I really do hope you like it! 
> 
> Italics implies character’s thoughts.

**Stardate: 49923**

Lifting his brow, he asks, “Were you unsuccessful with your own attempts at producing an antidote?”

Letting her cup rest against her knee, she thinks back to the earlier days of their entrapment.

_In the first few months, I was fiercely determined to find the cure for our incurable disease. Despite all odds placed against us, I was going to make the antidote. Period. The end._

_Yet, at night, while my loneliness was at its peak, one question kept popping up, treacherously, in my mind. Seeing his silhouette through the frosted windows, I tried with all my might to erase it, hide it, cover it with thoughts of theories and scientific proof to debunk those theories, but it never truly went away._

_What were we going to do after the antidote was found? But, most importantly, if there was no cure, would I reside to live my life with the same loneliness I had become content to live with when trapping Voyager in the Delta Quadrant?_

* * *

 

  
**Stardate: 49771**

Swinging her arms through the cooling water, Kathryn takes slight childish pleasure in watching the remaining bubbles pop under her own demise. She had been soaking for the past hour, longer than any other time she had been in the tub, and she still had not come to anything resembling an answer to their problem. _Of course the answer lies within the actual insect that gave us this damn disease to begin with_.

Rolling her eyes, she relaxes her body against the ergonomic surface and lets her head fall back on the soft towel. Slowly exhaling, she allows her mind to return, once again, to the first moment they made first contact with this barren planet.

The stress levels on Voyager had hit an all time high by the time they had seen this somewhat peaceful planet on the viewscreen. _I knew we needed a place to recuperate after all that had happened with the Tom Paris ruse and the run in with the Valdians and Tuvix_.

Opening her eyes for just a moment to take in the serene beauty around her, she shakes her head, annoyed that they were caught by this Venus Flytrap of a planet with its greenery and simplistic charm. _We were invested hook, line, and sinker even before we sent the exploratory team; which turned out to be Chakotay and I_.

She closes her eyes again and sighs, _it was purely a selfish reason to come down here on my own with the Commander. One of the perks to being the Captain in a Quadrant of space that is devoid of anything Starfleet. Our own relationship had taken a sharp detour causing our own stress to bleed out to the others. Foolish – not to mention selfish – of me to think that a tour of this lush planet can fix our gaping wound of a relationship with something as simple as a bandaid_.

_For months since our fight and my subsequent need to push him away, we only saw each other as Commander and Captain; and, deep down, I hated it_.

_But what I hated more is that I found our relationship to be a respite – a breath of fresh air – from the everyday stress of leading our little charge through these murky waters back to the place we all call home. I knew we shouldn’t have started something I knew we couldn’t finish, but damn it all to hell, did it feel good_.

Shivering under the blanket of cooling water, her skin puckers at the thought of where their relationship was heading. _Our field trip down to the planet was the first time we had been alone with each other since that fight. I wanted us to clear the air, to discuss where we stood, and to apologize for being so harsh in my need to push him away_.

_Now, it’s been about a month since our said field trip; the air between us is still polluted with unresolved tension, I’m still clueless as to where we stand as anything other than glorified roommates, and I have yet to apologize for anything other than bumping into him once or twice_.

She sighs. _And now with the added bonus that there is still no cure in sight…_

Hearing a chair scrape across the floor of their new home, Kathryn opens her heavy lids and decides to finally call it a night. Standing up, the water drips from the peaks of her curves as she lets the cool night air rush along her exposed skin.

Throwing her legs over the rim of the tub so that her feet are nestled in the soft grass, she allows the moon, hanging brightly in the sky, to observe her in her full glory. Closing her eyes as she feels the wind caress her now taunt skin, the memories of her first night in the tub nearly swallows her whole.

_Everything seemed so... routine. The tub was the break in our routine, but he was a gentleman and stayed inside. Until the monkey came. The adrenaline from the perceived danger drumming between us easily slipped into a sultry anticipation when I glanced at him over my shoulder. The only two things I remember within that five second span of stilled time is when the tip of his tongue darted out to wet his lips and the way his velvety eyes stripped me down._

Hearing the scrape of a chair across the ground again, Kathryn opens her eyes and huffs, _I need to stop reading those trashy romance novels_. Reaching out to the small shelf on the side of the tub that houses her bath oils, she is surprised to find the smooth expanse of wood rather than her cotton robe.

_Shit! I must have left it in my room_. Pressing her lips together in a fine line, she looks around for her towel to act as her temporary robe. Wrapping it tightly around her body, she silently tip toes her way to the only entrance to their humble abode. Just before she steps under the small awning, she peeks through the slit of the opened door and takes in the surroundings.

Chakotay, at his normal area this time of night, is hiding behind a well-loved book while the tea he made is steeping in front of him. Catching the slight movement along the opened door, he continues to stare at his muddled words as he wonders what is keeping her from walking in. Turning the page, a small smirk plays along his cheeks as he calls out, “You're going to catch a cold if you stand out there for too long.”

Feeling her whole body blush red from embarrassment, she grips the clasp of her towel and swings open the door.

Quickly glancing up from his book, he is struck dumb as the bright moon behind her shines on the damp skin of her bare shoulders. Giving himself time to let his eyes wander along her body, he notices that the towel barely scrapes the middle of her thigh giving him an ample supply of leg to gawk at. Working his way past the towel, he can taste the charged electricity between them as he wets his chapped lips.

“I left my robe in here.” Secretly loving the way he is staring at her, she gives him a cashmere grin before sashaying towards her room.

Just as she closes the door, he mutters under his breath, “cheeky.”

Rolling her eyes, she throws her towel on the floor and reaches for her pajamas. The soft, worn-down-to-the-thread cotton is the most comforting thing she owns and has brought with her on every single deep space mission. Nuzzling her cheek against the flannel, she takes a deep breath and instantly thinks of home. _This is my home now_ , her eyes flick across her barren room. _How depressing…_

A sudden thud of something falling on the floor brings her out of her funk. _Yet, he is here with me and, as much as I should push him away, I am finding it harder to remember the reason why_.

Just as Kathryn shakes her head, soft music begins to float through the frosted partition. _Frank… no, no, no! I shouldn’t have showed him how to work the phonograph_. Quickly threading her pajama shirt over her head, she makes her way out.

“Chako–” the rest of his name dies out on her tongue when she sees his hunched figure against the back counter.

“I notice when you pick out records to play, they match your moods,” Chakotay calls over his shoulder. “This one seemed appropriate.” He turns towards the only other living soul on this planet and takes in her figure under the now familiar night dress.

Feeling more exposed now than when she walked in with nothing on but a small scrape of towel, she protectively captures her hands in front of her and looks down to the floor.

Staring at her under the soft glow of the lamp from both of their respective rooms, he gathers the courage that he has been slowly building since being marooned here and steps up to her. _Research, bugs, and parameters be damned_. Sliding one arm around her waist as his other hand captures her palm, he gently sways her side to side as the man with a velvety voice sings the mood he finds himself in.

Kathryn opens her parched mouth to tell him to let her go, but she finds that her voice refuses to work. And while she has depended on the darkness in her soul to help push him away, his opaque figure is nowhere to be seen at this very moment. Closing her eyes, she allows – _just for a tiny moment_ –herself to dance with him. _And just for this tiny moment, all seems right in this lonely world I have built for myself because I find that I’m not so lonely anymore_.

Feeling her relax in his arms, he pulls her body tighter towards him as his hand protectively fans along the small of her back. And while he can still feel this wall that she has built between them, he can see a small crack in its foundation. Gathering the last bit of courage in his reserves, he glances down at the same time she tilts her chin up.

It is at times like these that she wonders what has been keeping her from accepting her new fate on this planet. Lifting her hand, she palms his cheek and sweeps her thumb along his jaw. _It’s at times like these that I wish I didn’t have something as stupid as survival to keep my mind busy from what my soul truly desires_.

Just as he leans down to take the lips he has been dreaming about, the song that has filled the empty space between them ends, sending in a chilled air reminding her of the loneliness she had chosen.

Pulling away as her well loved record scratches into the second song, she backs away until there is a desk standing between them. “We, umm, we shouldn’t have done that.” Her voice trembles with emotion as her lungs try desperately to take in oxygen.

“Why?”

“Because…” her mind tries to supply the reason as to why she needs to pull away from him.

“Because you are the Captain of Voyager? Because of all the duties you have to fulfill? Because someone might notice that you are an actual human being in need of companionship?” He sees her wince in physical pain as all of his words stings her in all of her vulnerable places, but he continues on, “Those are all very important reasons that no longer exist. So, Kathryn, tell me, tell me why this is such a bad idea.”

Taking in a deep breath, she fixes the cracks in the wall that she had meticulously built up with the soothing excuses the darkness gave her to resist him. “Because I have a duty to our health.”

Gritting his teeth, he keeps his eyes from rolling to kingdom come, “Oh, so that when we finally have an antidote, we’ll be able to catch up to Voyager with our warp power two vessel.”

She’s fighting him, fighting the resistance she feels in every inch of her body. _Why? Why am I resisting him now?_ “You’re right and I’m sorry, but I abhor the thought of giving up so easily. I can't, not yet.”

Feeling the tension creeping along the muscles of his back, he wills himself to relax against it. _Although it’s not the light I have been seeking, it’s still a small light at the end of this tunnel_. “I’m patient and even if you can find an antidote for us, we would still have a long, lonely journey ahead of us to get back to Voyager.” He takes a small step towards her with his arm stretched out to her, “You don’t have be lonely, Kathryn.”

“I know,” her whispered words slip out before can stop them. Feeling her vulnerability, the darkness, that has yet to make its appearance, finally comes out, encouraging her to get back to what is most important: work. “I'm going to check some of the insect traps in the alpha area tomorrow. I used a different type of bait and hopefully that attracted the insects we still need to study.”

Disgruntled at her refusal to see what is so obvious between them, he turns away from her. Taking the needle off of the record, he gingerly packs it away in its package. Cleaning off the counter, he looks around the tiny room to see what else he can do. When he doesn't find a suitable job to help plateau his anger, he goes to his room and snatches his medicine roll from his bed. Heading straight out the door, he informs her over his shoulder, “I'll be back soon,” and slams the door behind him.

Firing up her computer, she ignores the influx of guilt surging through her system. Knowing that she has fucked up in some way, shape, and form, she continues to do what she does best when she feels the darkness sucking all the happiness out of her soul – she buries herself in her work. 


	2. When Your Lonely Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn! I thought I was finished with this, but my muse had different ideas. Regardless, I hope it paid off! 
> 
> Plus, I’m a little nervous. This my first flight into smut with these characters.

**Stardate: 49923**

Closing her eyes to stop the tears that have been threatening to fall since their return back to Voyager, she is slightly startled when she feels his warm hands cover hers. “After that storm, when everything lay in ruin, I had a choice to make; live like a lonely captain, something I was surely accustomed to; or, live in happiness, something I had never dreamed for myself. After a few hours, I chose happiness.”

___________________________________

**Stardate: 34 hours post losing all hope to an Ion Storm**

_Or 15 minutes until my first official date in two years._

_In other words, ‘depending on how you look at it, cup half empty or cup half filled’._

Kathryn sighs as she look onto the screen.

_“Let me take you on a date.” That’s all it took. Seven simple words._

_His warm, inviting hand in conjunction with the giddiness that fluttered in my belly had me dizzy with the prospect of finally giving into my curiosity. Yet, still, I quirked back, “Well, seeing how the nightlife on this planet is rather popular, I think it would be difficult to get a reservation.”_

_I was using humor to delay my inevitable answer and he knew it._

_However, instead of calling me out on it, he kissed my knuckles and looked at me with his smoldering chocolate eyes and I knew right then and there that there was nothing holding me back anymore from exploring this fledging relationship to my heart’s content._

_There was no reason for me to be scared anymore._

_“Okay,” was all I said._

_And now I am here, in the living room waiting for Mr. Sex Eyes to make his appearance._

_Oh, don’t get me wrong, since the moment I snuggled into my own cold sheets last night, I have been weighing the pros and cons to what I know will be coming next._

_However, every time I opened my mouth to tell him that I didn’t think it would be a good idea, he gave me this look as if he has already started undressing me. Then I would glance at all the little bits of machine parts strung about our humble abode from the ion storm and I would end up snapping my mouth closed._

_No more fear, I would tell myself._

_Yet, even now, there is a long rope between my logical mind and needy heart. On the logical side, the darkness from my past slithers out from its oppressive cloak and reminds me the dangers of such a romance; while on the other side, the woman trying to break the clutches of that same darkness that has resided in me since the death of both my father and Justin pulls with all her might._

_In the past, the darkness would win this battle over and over again, yet tonight, as the sun sets on this lush planet, luck has a better chance of falling on the right side of love._

_And that scares the hell out of me._

Glancing up from her personal log, Kathryn notices that Chakotay is pulling on his boots. Focusing back onto the screen, she swallows past the jumble of nerves and hastily adds, _here’s to newer beginnings_ , before shutting off the computer.

“Are you ready,” Chakotay calls out as he stands from his bed.

“I’ve been ready for the past fifteen minutes.” After two heart beats, she coyly adds, “I think in some archaic nature, it’s a good sign for a man when his date is ready before him.”

“Yes, well in that same archaic fashion, the man didn’t have to go and build a restaurant, but regardless, I’ll gladly take it as a good omen.” He gives a cheeky grin as he holds out his elbow for her to thread her arm through.

“I’ve been rather curious as to what you have been up to all day.” She slyly glances at him with a smirk, “There have been many times that I have been willing to take the risk to sneak a peek, but then one of these damn machines would get angry at me by screaming at me with their stupid little beeps and my attention went back to the project at hand.”

“Is there any hope for recovery.”

“Recovery, yes. Life expectancy, minimal at best.” She gives him an affectionate squeeze, “Face it, your stuck with me for forever.” The moment her words left her lips, she knew that it would have profound effects on the mood of their first night as something more.

“I could say something heartfelt right about now, but I don’t want to scare you away, so I’ll just hold my silence until we enter Chateau Chakotay.”

Glad that he held his tongue, she goes with the change of subjects, “So not only were you able to build a restaurant, but you were also able to make wine?”

“No, but I was able to convince Ayala to snag a few bottles from Paris’ stash to send down with the rest of my stuff.” Stopping just before the forest clears to lead a path down to the river, he turns to Kathryn and says, “Close your eyes.”

Implicitly trusting him, she gives him a small smile before letting her lids to close.

Guiding her the rest of the way, he checks to make sure that everything is as perfect as perfect can be before murmuring in her ear, “Open your eyes.”

Fluttering her lashes open, oxygen rushes from her lungs when she takes in her surroundings. The grassy area just before it touches the sand to the riverside is cleared away, with the exception of the hand carved table and chairs that are sitting underneath the stings of soft glowing lights.

The warmth of a gentle wind reaches out and caresses her cheeks, begging her to explore this bit of heaven.

As the sun’s last vestiges of light imprints itself along the darkening sky, she notices that the string of lights are her specimen jars with the lighted insects that they had discovered on their second night here.

“Do you like it?” He’s nervous. She has yet to say a word or to even make a single noise, and it’s driving him mad.

_It’s like my own fairy garden_. And as much as she would deny it to anyone else, anywhere else til her dying day, this is something that she absolutely adores. “This is…,” she sighs and she twirls around again, “this is heaven.”

Addicted to the soft smile that glows in the gentle hues of dusk, Chakotay feels his heart leap from the pit of his stomach to the back of his throat. Pulling out her chair, he huskily murmurs against the skin of her bare shoulder, “Our evening is just beginning.”

Glancing back, she whispers back, “I should hope so.” At his raised brow eyebrow, she adds, “This is dinner, right? A girl has gotta eat!”

“I hope I won’t disappoint with our main dish and, in fact, our only dish for the evening.” Pulling on a flat handle from a contraption along the forests edge, he brings it over and lays it on the table.

“Pizza!?!?” Dramatically blinking her eyes up to Chakotay, she stammers, “But how… I mean… how?”

“Magic. And no Laola Root to be seen!”

“Shame.” She hungrily takes one slice with her itching fingers. “Laola Root is such a turn on.”

“And magic is not?!” He takes his own slice.

Closing her eyes, Kathryn allows the mix of pizza and wine to take over her senses. “Mmmm…” _it has a different taste; the tomatoes are a bit more acidic and the dough is chewier but damn it all to hell! I fucking love it!_ “This is amazing!”

“I do aim to please.”

She glances up to him just in time to see the flick of his grin and his warm chocolate eyes smoldering into something more carnal. Readjusting herself in her seat to help stamp down the rush of arousal, she rewards him with a quick grin herself before focusing all her energies on the task at hand. “I, umm,” she tries to clear her throat, “I would, uhh, like to know how you made it?” Geez, what the hell is wrong with me?

“The dough was made from the wheat that we had discovered in the field a few kilometers north.” _It took me hours to mill by hand_. “The tomatoes are from the first batch I had planted.” _The Talaxian seeds took better to the soil here than the seeds from earth_. “The cheese came from the replicator, so we will have to find an alternative if this will be a regular dining option.” _I don’t know what other alternative we can muster up without the use of a mammal type animal that can produce milk_. “And these savory bits of greens came from that plant you had discovered a week ago.”

"A week ago,” she sighs, “that seems like a lifetime ago.”

Throwing them into a slightly fidgety silence, both focus all of their energies on eating rather than conversation.

Filling both of their wine glasses, he nervously murmurs, “I’m glad you came on this date with me.”

“This place is packed with so many people! I’m surprised that you were able to get us a table!” The moment she says it, she instantly regrets it. _He was trying to be honest and, frankly, more of an adult than I currently am and I have to use a poorly executed joke._

“You are worth it,” he kindly says as he takes a sip of wine. _She uses humor to help diffuse the seriousness of our situation. And, while I can understand it and even be patient with her, that doesn’t mean I can leave it altogether._ “Talk to me,” he encourages.

_I need to stop being childish. He deserve more than my snarky attitude and obvious aversion to a simple conversation_. “I hate this planet,” she sighs into the buzzing night air. “The feeling of being trapped like a caged animal has me seething and lashing. It’s looks as if I’m not thankful for what I currently have, but everyday I thank the stars more and more that you are here with me.”

Her chin drops to her chest as her eyes slam shut in shame, “That sounds horrible. Being thankful that you are trapped in the same oppressive cage I am,” she shyly glance up to him, “but I wouldn’t have survived without you here by my side.” She nervously picks at a snagged thread along her dress, “So, while I’m so incredibly sorry for trapping you here, I’m… I’m…,” her voice falters.

He reaches out and captures her trembling arm with his hand. “Happiness for me is anywhere where I can be in your company.” He gives her a kind smile, “Now, no more apologies. There is no where else to go but forward.”

Lifting her wine glass with her free hand, she toasts, “Here’s to looking forward.”

“May we never have a reason look back, but only to reminisce of the good times.” He clinks his glass against hers.

Wanting so much to move about, she drains the last of her wine and pulls on his hand. “Come. I want to go on a walk.”

Standing, he threads her hand around his elbow and brings her down along the rivers edge. Their walk is taken in a silence that is sizzling with biting anticipation. And while he takes their prospect as a good omen for where their relationship can be taken, she steals a moment to think about everything that has happened within past two days.

_Happiness. How I wish I can be just as resolute as the man next to me_. Sneaking a peak over to him, her heart skips a beat as the moon’s beams casts itself along his gentle face.

_When did I fall in love with him?_ She smiles as she looks towards the weeping willow type tree ahead of them. _It was the precise moment I realized that he possesses the power to drive this darkness away from my soul_.

_For the longest time, I would gladly allow this caliginous and cancerous creature to burden me with the pain of choosing duty for others over happiness for myself. The way it can weave itself into golden threads of heartbreak, bad choices, and memories of better days long forgotten; tightening and violently pulling at the first hint of happiness._

_It was the penance I paid for the choices I have made._

_And up until now, I was content with that penance…_

_Yet, with Chakotay, I can finally see the light and it’s beautiful._

_The darkness – sensitive to what the lightness can bring, is buried so deep into the dark caverns of my soul, that there are times that I wonder if he is still there. And then I remind myself that I shouldn’t care. For once I am happy and I should never question it again._

_Look forward, Kathryn. There is no reason to look back._

“It’s you that makes me happy.” She drops her hand from the crook of his elbow just as they reach the weeping willow. “I would never allow myself such happiness before mainly because I didn’t deserve it.” She reaches up with her trembling fingers and traces the familiar path of his tattoo. “For first time in a long time, I’m going to choose happiness and I want to choose that happiness with you.”

His chest, heavy with a love he had never wanted before and burdened with worry that it would never feel that same love reciprocated, bursts as if it is a ballon filled to the max with confetti. Threading his fingers along the curve of her neck, he leans in and kisses her – tentatively at first, but growing in passion as the warmth of her touch fills his veins.

Pulling away when she feels the heat from his palm gliding over the curve of her hip, she takes his hand and walks him underneath the tendrils of the willow until she feels the bark of the tree scratch her back. Her trembling fingers catches the loop of his belt and tugs at it.

“Now?” He had plans – many different plans – of how their first time together would be. All of them involve some sort of a bed at least.

Her brow furrows in thought. “Knowing our luck, Tuvok will call down to us with news of a cure the precise moment we undress each other.” Just as the button to his trousers opens, she looks up to him with a purely feral look in her eyes and adds, “I want us to be as far away from technology as possible.” She kisses his cheek, “It’s time for me to embrace this planet for the wonderment it truly possesses.”

Slipping the tips of her fingers under the waist band of his pants, both let out an erroneous moan when her hand fists around his excitement.

“This will, uhh, ohh… This will…,” his words stammer about as she runs the pad of her thumb along his shaft.

“I want it to be fast and quick here so that when we get back we can take it slow.”

Shoving down his pants and underwear, he lifts her dress and rips her panties away from her body. Circling his hands around her waist, he hitches her up against the tree and buries himself deep inside her. Bracing his body against hers, his forehead falls to the curve of her shoulder as his hips cantor at a slow, controlling pace.

Digging the heels of her feet into the soft cushion of his ass, she drags her nails along his scalp and moans, “You’re driving me mad.”

He kisses the peak of her shoulder, “You are the first person I have been with since the Val Jean left port at Zolarian Prime.” He picks up his pace just a bit. “I’m surprised I have lasted this long.”

Kissing the shell of his ear, she evilly grins as she tightens her muscles along his cock.

“Ohh…,” biting down to stop himself from grunting like a caveman, he pushes himself in to the hilt just before he comes. Pressing his fingers into the mailable flesh of her thigh, his body quivers as she continues to milk his orgasm with her muscles.

She eases her legs down from his waist and quips with a nip to the lobe of his ear, “I want you to tear off my dress.”

Digging his thumbs underneath her straps, he pulls down her dress so that it falls into a small heap around her ankles. Dropping down to his knees, he throws her leg over his shoulder and dives in between her thighs. Just as his fingers spread across the lovely expanse of her ass, his tongue flicks against her swollen clit in time with the erotic beat of his heart.

“Ohh, yes! Right there,” she encourages as her nails string through his already mused hair. Biting down on her lip hard, her heart begins to drum against her chest as she feels that familiar dizzying fall into a satisfyingly delicious orgasm.

Just as he hears her breath catch in the hollowness of her throat, he plunges two fingers inside her.

Throwing her head back against the trunk of the tree, she curses out, “Fuck! God, you feel so fucking good!”

Her words – like sweet nectar – pack a heady, caffeinated punch straight to his chest. Feeling her muscles beginning to contract against his thrusting fingers, he creates a maddening symphony of his teeth nipping and his tongue caressing her clit.

Glancing up from his perfect perch, he sees her gorgeous, moonlit features contorting to the pleasures his tongue and fingers are giving her. Kneading and rolling her ass between the tips of his fingers, it isn’t too long until he feels her coming along his ravenous mouth.

Throwing one arm around the trunk above her head to help steady herself from fainting, she keeps her other hand braced against the back of his head to keep him from pulling away. “It’s, uhh,” she clears her throat, “it’s been a long time for me as well.”

Gently marking a trail of sweet kisses along the inside of her thigh, he sighs, “A man could get drunk off the sight of you right now.”

Sliding her leg off of his shoulder, she looks down and commands, “Take off your clothes and lie them on the ground.”

Ripping open his shirt and shoving it off his arms, he ignores the flying buttons as he lays it on the grass behind him. Not even worrying about his shoes or pants, he lies down on his back and makes his own demand with a cocky grin, “I want you to ride me.”

Slithering down the tree as if it is a poll being dominated by an exotic dancer, she gives him a cheshire smile, “I was going to suck your cock, but there’s no reason we can’t do both.” Gripping his thighs, she leans down and toys with the head of his hard cock with the tip of her tongue. “Mmmm… I can taste myself on you.”

Bunching her hair within his fists, he groans, “You have such a delectably dirty mouth.”

“Delectable, huh?” Taking him all in her mouth, she bobs up and down as her hand gently strokes his balls.

Letting out several careless moans into the steamy night air, his fist tightens along her hair as he feels himself beginning to lose control.

Lifting herself with with the soft pop of her lips, she straddles his hips and sinks down, taking in the new bliss that he gives her from this different angle.

Grabbing onto her waist as if his life depended on it, he helps her set the tempo between their dancing bodies. “Spirits, you’re so fucking wet.”

Running her hands along her still clothed breasts and finding that she is enjoying the friction more than she thought she would, she murmurs back to him, “I got off on sucking your dick. I can still taste the saltiness of my arousal on my tongue.”

He shoves her bra straps down her shoulders, “Lean over me. I want to fuck your tits.”

Following his order without a moment to spare, her hips speed up its cantor to match the velocity of his wicked tongue. Feeling her mind spiraling out of control, she grunts, “God, I’m about to fucking come.”

Gripping her hips in a vice, he can feel his dick throbbing with a desire to explode.

“Slap my ass.”

With no other coherent thoughts to call his own trolling his mind, his body willingly succeeds in her demand, smacking her ass with the palm of his hand.

Fireworks – as luminescent and loud as the ones on Risa during their yearly jubilee – explodes against her darkened lids as her orgasm rushes through her veins.

Violently coming inside her, his hips buck and quiver against her languished body. Collapsing back against the ground, he circles his arms around her waist to keep her from moving off of him. It is then, that he feels it; their hearts beating together in unison.

A memory – lost within the vision of numerous women throughout his life – springs to life. It’s of his father on the eve of his union celebration with his mother. They are sitting out on the open porch as his mother sweetly hums from just beyond their screened door. His father glances towards the soft humming and murmurs ever-so-softly, “A woman who can bring balance to your heart, will bring balance to your life.”

Not understanding his words at the time, he just chucked it off to one of his father’s odd ramblings. It isn’t until this moment – this precise moment – does he now understand. But he also knows, he has to tread lightly now until she is comfortable with returning the sentiment.

“I want to have you in my bed tonight.” He tilts his head to the side and threads back her wild hair. “Say you’ll sleep with me in my bed.”

She was going to return a snarky comment to him, but decides at the last minute not to. “Okay.” Sliding her body off to the side, she unhooks her bra and adds it to her pile of clothes. “Let’s walk back naked.”

Answering her request with heel of his moccasins gliding off of his feet, he shucks off his pants just before standing on his wobbly legs.

Bracing herself against the tree, she watches him from her peripheral vision and quips, “Your mouth is quite talented.”

“Your mouth is quite dirty,” he playfully throws back.

She gives him a salacious grin as they both turn back to their home, “I didn’t hear you complaining.”

“It is a surprise at first, but it suits you.” His fingers slide down into her palm. “You know what you like and aren’t afraid to say so. It’s the markings of a… of a…,” he falters, not wanting to dredge up hurtful feelings.

“The markings of a leader? I’ve been told that numerous times.” She rewards him with a smile to tell him that she is okay with his compliment. “Mark hated it. He told me that what I said was vulgar and demeaning to the act of making love.” She shrugs her shoulders, “With him, he was right. He didn’t want to fuck me, he wanted make love to me. Unlike most men, he knew the difference between the both.”

“You seem like the type of woman that needs both in her life.” He gives her a kind smile to soften the blow of his perceived harsh words.

“That is why I sought out other men,” after a moment she adds under her breath, “among other reasons.” She clears her throat of her shame at being unfaithful. “I love Mark but I also like sex to be rough.”

Letting her comment go for right now, he squeezes her hand, “I like both too, but with the type of women I was seeking while serving in the Maquis, I only yearned for the fucking type.” Biting down on his bottom lip, he slowly asks, “I would like to make love to you.” Even without looking at her, he can feel her hesitation through the tension in her hand.

Stopping and pulling her around, he clarifies, “I want to caress you, and kiss you, and to worship your body the way it deserves to be worshipped.” He lifts his fingers to capture her cheek, “You are a beautiful woman.”

“It took me a long time to fulfill that role for Mark.” She takes a deep breath. “All I ask for is patience.”

Gliding his arm around her shoulder, he kisses her temple before escorting her back into their home, “I think I will enjoy waking up next to you.”

“I hope for your sake you don’t snore,” her eyes twinkle with mirth, “I can kick rather hard.”


	3. ... Has Learned its Lesson

**Stardate: 49923**

Slowly opening her eyes, she lets a stray tear fall down her cheek as she confesses, “I was the happiest I had ever been in a long time during those last few weeks.”   
_______________

**Stardate: who the hell cares**

“Mmmm…” Laying on the soft towel, Kathryn lets out a satisfied moan as she stretches out her rather aching limbs. Sliding her fingers under her neck, she arches her back as her taunt bare nipples stretch towards the warmth the sun is providing them today.

Ever since her ‘date’ with Chakotay, she has found herself more comfortable without clothes than with. Feeling her cheeks burn with excitement, she allows her mind to travel back to their first night together under the weeping willow and then under the warmth of his covers.

Shivering under the heat of the high sun, she remembers the carnal anticipation that followed them on their way to his bed.

_Oh the tongue on that man..._

_Funny enough, though, I thought it was going to take me a longer time to get used to his soft touches and whispered words of worship. Yet, it was just the following morning._

_For Mark, it took him the better part of six months to warm the frigid way I viewed sex. But in all fairness, he had to take the time to fix me from the broken mess I was before we found each other._

Shivering once again, she tries to put her mind in a much happier place; one devoid of seedy bars, faceless men, Cardassian prison guards, or the ensuing darkness that used to follow her every step.

_I am happier, happier than I have been in a long time; certainly since trapping Voyager in the Delta Quadrant._

She sighs, _why is it I had denied myself this type of satisfaction? I mean, I know why, but it seems so trivial now. We are still prisoners of this planet, unable to free ourselves from its diseased bindings, but I’m glad that he is with me so that we can go through these challenging obstacles together._

Feeling the sun’s rays being blocked from her tanning skin, she blinks to find a certain smiling face staring down at her. Shielding her eyes from the brightness of both his grin and the sun radiating behind him, she airily muses, “Fancy seeing you here.”

Clambering down beside her on her towel, he quips with his dimples on high alert, “What can I say? Seeing a beautiful half naked woman sun tanning caught my attention.” Stealing another lucrative glance down her body, he leans in and whispers, “If there were other people on this planet, I think I might have been jealous.”

“If there were other people on this planet, I would have made sure to have a big bottle of tequila next to me before stripping down to my panties.” Tilting her head to the side and stealing a peek, she is pleasantly surprised to see him down to his boxers. Lifting her brow, she coyly says, “Besides that didn't stop you from stripping down.”

“Tell me,” ignoring her flirtatious ways to distract him, he asks, “what were you thinking about when I came up to you?”

Shrugging her shoulders, she mumbles, “Ohh, a little of this, a little of that.”

Rolling onto his hip to get a better look at her, he catches himself on his elbow and dramatically goads, “Don't play coy. Come on. Tell me what you were thinking.”

Turning back to him, she gives him a maddening grin before sweetly elaborating, “I was thinking about the best part of our first date.”

“The pizza?”

Throwing her head back onto her towel, she squeezes her legs together and deliciously moans, “Mmmm… pizza!” Taking pity on him, she quickly confesses, “The pizza was amazing, however,” leaning in so that her lips can taste the outline of his now labored breath, “You caught me thinking about the exact moment your lips touched me between my legs.”

“Under the willow or in my bed?”

“Bed.” He tries to capture her lips but she evades him with a satisfied grin.

“The taste of pizza and the most mesmerizing woman in one night.” Pushing her back with the barrel of his chest, he swings his leg over her hips and traps her against the towel. “It is a night I’ll never forget.”

“The pizza takes the losers backseat compared to the taste of your cock.”

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no.” He places his hands on both sides of her head and flicks the tip of his nose along her parched lips. Peppering her jaw and neck with the softest of kisses, he moans, “You had your naughty way with me this morning. It’s my turn to worship your body.” Feeling her arch her back and grinding her hips against his rock hard cock, he heatedly moans along her collar bone, “I want to re-familiarize myself with the taste of your sun kissed skin.”

Threading her fingers through his longer unkept hair, she barely breathes out, “Tsk! Tsk! You would think that after – ohhhh - multiple time, you would have it mem – uhhh - orized by now.”

Marking a tantalizing path down her heightened body with his equally needy lips, he quickly plucks at her already taunt nipples with his teeth before resuming his course down to her center. Hooking his fingers under the band of her panties, he shoves them down her legs and throws it off to the side.

Leaning back onto his knees and placing his hands on her thighs to steady himself, he takes a brief moment to gaze at the insatiable woman underneath him. Slightly out of breath, he licks his lips and murmurs into the heated air between them, “You are absolutely gorgeous.”

Captivated by his warm honey colored eyes, she presses her knees down to the side, silently inviting him to continue his sweet torture along the most sensitive skin on her body. Grasping her breasts with both hands, she pinches and pulls at her nipples as she innocently bites down on her bottom lip.

“You drive me insane when you bite down on that lip,” he quickly dives in and assaults the stretch of silky skin just below her hip bone. Gripping her waist with both hands, he marks a path with the tip of his nose, teasing her by flirting along the edge of where she wants him the most. Hearing her impatient moans falling out from her mouth, his tongue reaches out and swirls along her parted lips.

With barely enough reach to thread her fingers through his damp hair, she arches her back as she pulls him closer towards her. Mercilessly scratching his scalp with her nails, she hisses out a slow, “Fuck,” as the tip of his tongue continuously flicks just beyond the barrier of her pulsating lips.

Feeling her swollen walls beginning to contract, he sweeps one of his hands down her heaving stomach. Easily finding her clit, he presses and circles the harden nub with the pad of his thumb.

Running up to that blissful precipice caught between carnal pleasure and pure love, she swan dives off the cliff and lets her orgasm take over her body. Enjoying the weightlessness of her free fall, she barely feels the sun drenched air lick her thighs before Chakotay is sitting right above her with the smuggest of grins plastered across his face.

Knowing exactly where she wants to be, Kathryn bolts up and wraps her arms around his neck. Tasting every inch of his mouth that was just between her legs a few minutes prior, she scrambles her legs out from under him and pushes him back so that she is straddling his waist.

Wasting no time in freeing him from his loose restraints, she gently grasps him with one hand and guides him to her opening. Flicking her eyes to take in his face, a small giggle escapes through her lips as she sees a lopsided smile adorning his mouth. Feeling the tip of his engorged head poised at her entrance, she languorously eases him in. Rolling her eyes to the back of her head as she feels him stretching inside her, both of her hands rest against his toned chest as she arches her back out to him, inviting him to touch her.

Barely comprehending her silent bidding, his hands automatically trail along her long torso before his thumbs flitter across her erect peaks.

She rolls her hips along his to the hypnotic rhythm of his playful fingers toying with her nipples. Letting her head fall back to take in the rich, warm sunshine, she lifts her hands and threads her fingers through her hair. “Cha-ko-tay,” she sighs out into the brightness of the day, “you feel amazing inside me.”

Opening his eyes, the brightness of the high sun dims in comparison to the beautiful goddess on top of him. Taking the fruits of her pleasure by pinching her rosy red nipples between his pointer finger and thumb, he easily slides one hand down to the junction of their sweaty bodies. Knowing that she is nearing the edge of her second orgasm, he waits until that perfect moment when they can both tumble over that edge together. Just as he feels the tightness of his balls almost strangle any and every coherent thought from his mind, he presses and circles his nimble finger along her clit.

As her rocking becomes more frantic than the last, she yells out his name as they both euphorically burst from their powerful releases.

Refusing to climb down from his high when he feels her thighs beginning to relax, he vice grips her hips to keep them still as he takes a few deep, calming breaths. “Please, don't leave.” Opening his eyes, the sun behind her has resumed its normal brightness and his eyes begin to water instantly. Rolling his head to the side so that he is in her shadow, he notices that she is smiling kindly down to him. Reaching up and lightly tracing the outline of her cheek, he murmurs, “Not yet.”

Giving his palm a quick kiss, she allows herself to slink down so that she is lying against his broad chest. Peppering him with a trail of soft kisses, she hotly mumbles along his tanned skin, “Better than pizza?”

Tracing his fingers lightly along the contours of her back, he quips back, “Better than coffee?”

Jerking her movements to a complete stop, she steals a moment to think about his question. Glancing up through her lashes, she notices that he is starting to worry about her long awaited answer. Curling her lips into a catlike grin, she coyly says, “Exponentially better than coffee.” Letting her nail tease the darker skin around his nipple, her tongue darts out and flicks across the erect peak. Feeling his cock twitch with excitement inside her, her tongue pirouettes along the tip before she takes his whole nipple into her heated mouth.

Wiggling out from under her mercilessly attention, he offhandedly chides, “Spirits, woman! Give me a chance to rest before we start another round. I'm not as young as I used to be.”

Lifting her cheek up from her sweaty perch and resting her chin on his sternum, she lifts a brow and smugly says, “That's not what your cock is saying.”

Banging the back of his head against the soft ground, he licks his parched lips as he murmurs into the air, “You are insatiable.” Wrapping his arms around her waist, he sweeps her body across his so that she is once again lying on her blanket. Pulling his semi-erect penis out of her with a quite moan trapped in his throat, he throws himself next to her.

“I’ve been restraining myself for the past twenty minutes,” she playfully shrugs her shoulder.

Shading his eyes from the sun with one hand, he looks to her and quite frankly says, “You know, your dirty mouth is the best I have ever heard from a woman. And I came from the Maquis, where talking fast and dirty is part of the prerequisites.”

Closing her eyes, she once again submits her body to the energy of the sun beaming down from the sky as a small smile plays along her naughty lips.

Playfully rolling his eyes at her quirkiness, he jaunts his chin towards her and informs her, “Come on, those were two really good chances to use that vulgar mouth of yours.” Knowing that he has captured her attention by the quick flick of her eyes towards him, he leans in close so that his lips are grazing her ear and hotly mumbles, “What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?”

Abruptly sitting up and leaning against her bents knees, she wistfully confesses, “I was rather distracted by a man.” Turning to him with a rather convincing wild look in her eyes, she gasps, “You might have seen him; he is tall, dark, and utterly handsome,” she nearly swoons on cue, yet huskily adds, “with the most devilishly talented tongue that has ever touched my skin.”

“Oh, here comes the snarky Janeway,” he sits up and wraps his arms around his knees.

Standing up, she shades her eyes with her hand and glances around in all directions. “By chance, have you seen him around?” Seeing him stand out of the corner of her eye, she quickly makes a grab for her panties and dashes away from his outreached grasp. Running towards the house with him hot on her trail, she throws over her shoulder, “If you see him, tell him that I'll be in the only free standing tub offered on the desolate planet in a few hours time.”

Catching up to her with ease, he wraps his arms around her waist and crashes her back into his chest. Subtlety bringing his fingers to the perfect area to inflict maximum damage, he carelessly whispers into her ear, “Don't play coy with me Kathryn.” Holding her tightly, he begins to wickedly tickle her.

Feeling her knees buckle as every ounce of breath is coming out as an uncaptainly giggle by the likes he had never heard before, she tries her hardest – but not too hard – to wiggle out of his strong arms. Between her need to take in air and her laughter radiating from her soul, she somehow mutters, “Okay, okay, I give in.”

Ceasing his attack immediately, he presses his lips into the sensitive part of skin just under her lobe and murmurs a staccato, “And?”

Knowing that he deserves all of her honesty after sharing such an intimate act just a few minutes prior, she murmurs over her shoulder, "I was basking in the glow of freedom.” Feeling her cheeks flush as her heart pounds against her rib cage, she takes a small step out of his relaxed grip. Shielding herself from the creep of brisk air being carried along a gust of wind, she timidly begins, “I'm free from duty, from command, and for most of my time here it's been a rather painful experience.”

Reaching out to comfort her, she surprises him by twirling around to face him.

She lifts her fingers to lightly trace the memorized path of his tattoo, “However, I can't help but be thankful since it has broken me free from the horrible darkness that has resided in me for as long as I can remember. You have brought lightness back into my soul at a time when I thought I was underserving of it.”

 _She was more receptive to the idea of making love than what she thought she was capable of_ , he quietly supplies.

Quickly retracting her fingers from his forehead as if she had crossed some invisible line, more out of routine than necessity, she reluctantly swallows the rampant range of emotions caught in her throat. Tilting her head to the side, she explains, “In reaction, there are times – moments – where I just want to feel you without thinking about it. You caught me in that moment.”

Realizing that she was on the verge of teetering along the complicated line of love and knowing full well that they both are not yet ready to have that discussion, he makes a smart, yet, necessary retreat by flippantly saying, “Your shoulders are starting to get red.” Tracing his finger along her protruding shoulder bone, he suggests, “Perhaps instead of sunbathing, you should do something else tomorrow.”

Giving him a thankful smile, she concedes, “There are some plants that need to transfer from their pots to the ground. Plus I need to check in with the Talaxian tomatoes.”

Hooking her arm into his own, he leads her into their home as the sun finally starts its decent from its high perch in the sky. “While you are doing that, I will be putting the finishing touches on my next project. Hopefully by the time you are finished giving some of our plants a new home, I will be ready to show you.”

Rolling her eyes, she dramatically sighs, “I've been dying to know what you have been drawing since the first time you brought out your sketch pad a few nights ago.” Making her way to her trunk where she keeps most of her clothes, she glances over her shoulder and asks, “Are we still on for our date in the tub?”

Rewarding her with one of his dazzling smiles, he happily replies, “I wouldn't miss it for the world.”


	4. You’d Be Hers if Only She Would Call

Stardate: 49923

Gently squeezing her hands, he hesitates before asking, “And now?”

Staring down at their combined hands, she whispers, “With the rank squarely placed back on my shoulders, I have once again returned to my lonely existence as the Captain of this vessel.”

 

* * *

  
Stardate: 49913

Gripping the small device in her hand as her arms fold along her chest, she stares out onto the vast distance of the river. Feeling her thick uniform itching some of the delicate patches of sun kissed skin, she grits her teeth to stop the onslaught of fresh tears that have been threatening to fall since they have woken this morning.

 _Our last time waking up together_ , she bitterly thinks.

Feeling the raw taste of self-hatred rolling down her throat, she treacherously thinks about the four weeks that she had selfishly refused the comfort of his touch. And while it's true he never actively sought it out, she knew that without a doubt he starved for her touch like a dying man starving for oxygen.

Hearing the rustle of the plants behind her, her ears perk and her back straightens at the sound of silent footfalls along the soft grass.

Knowing that everything is packed away, she imagines that the conversation that they needed to have twenty-nine hours and forty-five minutes ago springs up like a self righteous jester waving his hands from his temples and sticking his tongue at them with a loud cackle of a laugh teasing their predicament.

Ever since receiving Tuvok’s hail that they had the antidote for their disease and were thirty hours away from their house that they have made into a home, they have barely said a few words to each other. Spending most of their time during the day cleaning and packing away their things, they spent their last night together under the stars along the sandy beach of the river, that's now in front of them, memorizing what will be the last time they will ever get to taste each other's skin.

It wasn't until they began to see the beginning vestiges of morning light touching the dark sky did they allow themselves to fall into a fitful sleep.

“We don't have to do this,” he silently begs her to change her already set mind. He is foolishly optimistic, yet, _only a fool would keep something so important bottled up inside_.

She has had that thought too, so many times within the last thirty hours, yet, her old friend, the darkness has made his glorious return with his typical sinister smile and the arrogant shake of his head. _Your pitiful relationship will never survive the Delta Quadrant_.

“We can keep our affair a secret,” he beseeches. “We can modify our communicators to show that we are in separate areas even though we are together. We can schedule different times during the month to meet in different parts of the ship. Something. Anything. But I am begging you to not allow whatever darkness that has seeped into your soul so long ago to win. You have been so happy here, more happy than I have ever seen you. You deserve it.” Exhaling every word in one breath, his heart nearly shatters into tiny bits when he sees her hanging her head in defeat. “Please don't shut me out.”

For a moment - one spark of a precious moment - the fleeting thought of having him in her arms flutters wildly through her mind. Yet, the darkness within her soul clamps it’s gnarled fingers around her throat and reminds her the price of accepting that type of happiness so far from home in the wild wilderness of space.

_Justin. His sweet, roguish grin. His lust for life. His appetite for desire. His lifeless eyes. The bluish, gray tint that covered his broken body. The laughter I only hear in my nightmares._

Clearing her congested throat, she holds up the PADD and mutters, “I looked over your plans in constructing a boat. I added some of my notes too and, hopefully, one day when we are back in the Alpha Quadrant, you can build it.”

Snatching the PADD away from her, he grips the metal tightly, resisting the urge to throw it to its watery grave. “It was meant for the both of us to enjoy.” His childish huff nicely compliments his roguish attitude.

Closing her eyes and offering her exposed skin to the warmth of the sun, she lets out a long sigh as she relaxes her muscles. “There will be times that we will fight a hellacious battle with the tactical computer between us as our only interference. There will be times that I will order you to do something that will make you consider a mutiny over following those orders. There will be times – many times – that I will consider the safety and comfort of the crew over your feelings for me.”

Opening her eyes, she turns her body squarely towards him and barely breaths out, “There will be times that I have to order you to complete a highly dangerous and volatile mission. I don't have the luxury of having a relationship while serving as your captain.”

Taking a deep breath in through her nostrils, she wills her mind to not succumb to the intoxicating smell of the freshly bloomed flowers by the riverside mingling with his own distinct scent. “I will never be able to give both you and Voyager one hundred percent of my attention. It will have to be one or the other, and as long as we are stuck in the Delta Quadrant with a possible passage home around a heavily guarded corner, I will always choose Voyager.”

"I know." He had known, since the first moment he had seen her in action when they combined their efforts against the Kazon and the Caretaker, that she will dedicate her life to her ship and crew.

Reaching across the vast space between them, his fingers barely have touched her cheek when he says, “However, I know that there are times, not a lot of them, but some where you have to let your hair down and transform into the woman simply known as Kathryn. Those are the times I desire to be with you, not only as a friend, but as a man who... who knows you, the real you.”

Taking a deep breath to calm his hammering heart, he had almost let it slip of the true feelings he has been hiding from her. Giving her a soothing smile when he feels her rumbling under his touch, he softly adds, “I know, without a doubt in my body, that we will fight and feelings will be hurt and tough command decisions will have to be made – as they should - however, at the end of the day, I am simply a man wanting to spend time with a woman who has shown him the lit pathway through his own mortal darkness.”

Biting down on her bottom lip and tasting the bitter copper on the tip of her tongue, she desperately wants to concede and tell him that she wants to be with him, but she doesn't. She knows that she cannot – and will not – make a promise that she doesn't know if she will be able to keep. “I don't know.”

“Very well,” he murmurs, “however, I am warning you that I can be patient, if not persistent.”

Reaching up and tracing her two fingers along the path of his tattoo, she takes a large step into his warm embrace and whispers along his cheek, “I don't deserve you.” 

Placing the crook of his pointer finger under her chin and lifting her head so that he can see her properly, he reminds her by simply stating, “We deserve happiness.” Tilting his head to the other side, his lips are about to touch hers for the last time for the foreseeable future when her communicator beeps.

“Voyager to Captain Janeway or Commander Chakotay. Please respond.” Tuvok’s succinct voice carries through and redraws an invisible line of duty between them.

Tapping her badge, she calls back, "We are both here. Are you in orbit?”

“Yes. We will be transporting down two hyposprays of the antidote as well as a medical tricorder to your location. The Doctor confirms that once the medicine is administered, the effects should be instantaneous. Scan yourselves with the tricorder and the results will be sent to the Doctor’s computer. When he is satisfied with your treatment, we will then transport you to Sickbay.”

“Understood.” Within a matter of seconds, the blue transporter beam is glowing between them, leaving behind the items Tuvok had mentioned. Bending down and picking up all the items, Chakotay lifts his brow and asks, “Are you ready?”

Taking the PADD with the plans for his boat into her cherished hands, she turns and silently leads them towards their home.

..::..::..

Feeling the weightlessness of the transporter beam leave their bodies, the view of Sickbay appears in front of their eyes.

Instantly greeted by a group of people within the small space, the Doctor is the first to reach out with a hypospray. “This should help with the nausea from both the antidote as well as the change in gravity.”

Rubbing the slightly pricked area with the tips of her fingers, she glances over to Chakotay and then back at the group in front of them. Sensing their over abundant excitement at their presence, she quietly says, “It's good to be ho- back on Voyager.” _Not home_ , she thinks, _home is what I willingly left down on that planet; a place to grow old in and a man to grow old with._ Looking over to the doctor, she asks, “Are we able to return to duty?”

Stepping back to invite them to sit on the two biobeds, he says, “I have to run a few more tests, however, they should take no more than a few minutes.”

Nodding, both walk between the small group of people and sit on their own biobeds facing each other. As the Doctor and Tuvok crowd around the Captain, Kes and Neelix converge onto the Commander.

At his first chance, Tuvok states, “Captain, I know you gave--”

Waving her hand in the air, she says, “Tuvok, despite disobeying my order, I am truly glad to see you, my friend.” Placing her hand along his shoulder, she adds, “I do look forward to reading your report, though.”

Bowing his head, his hands stay clasped behind his back as he feels the corners of his mouth curving in an upward angle. “And I am… glad to see you, as well as Commander Chakotay, in good health. I will have my report ready for you by 0900 this morning.”

“Very well.” As the conversation in her group begins to dissipate, she nearly laughs out loud when she sees Neelix throwing his arms around Chakotay.

“We are so happy to see both of you.” Pulling away from the heartfelt hug, Neelix dips his head and whispers, “The crew morale on this ship was abysmal when we had to leave you two on that planet. Now with your return,” his voice returns to its skippy volume, “the crew morale has already taken a turn for the better. In fact, Ensign Moran has…”

Tuning him out when he feels her eyes on him, he steals a glance over Kes’s shoulder and locks eyes with her. Within a matter of seconds, everything has fallen silent around him as Kathryn rewards him with the softest of smiles.

Knowing that the Doctor is saying something to her that she needs to listen to, she finds that as she is staring at Chakotay, the darkness that has been overwhelming her mind since receiving Voyager’s communication momentarily hides behind a corner away from the light of his own returning smile.

While the hologram and the other humanoids are impervious to the interaction taking place between the Captain and the Commander, Tuvok makes a mental reminder to talk to Captain Janeway when the emotions of everyone on this ship have settled to an acceptable level.

Snapping his tricorder shut and turning to his counterpart, the Doctor looks over Kes’s readings before he proudly affirms, “The Vidiians actually pulled through. Both the Captain and the Commander are cured!” As Neelix enthusiastically claps his hands, Kes gives a megawatt smile while Tuvok exhales a stream of steady air as he bows his head.

Sliding off the biobed, the enthusiasm around him is infectious as Chakotay smiles, "Are we set to return back to duty?”

Clasping his hands behind his back, the Doctor balances on the tips of his toes and shrugs his shoulders, “Both of you are fit for duty. I think the decision to return to the bridge now is your choice to make.”

Looking at each other to confirm their desire to return to duty, a flicker of wanting to refuse is shared between them before Kathryn turns to Tuvok with a hint of a sad smile adorning her lips and confirms, “We are ready.”

Stepping back and allowing the command team to to pass before him, Tuvok comments, "You will find that the crew will be most pleased to see the two of you returning.”

Feeling a full smile stretch all the way to her eyes, she can't help but to revel in the giddiness catapulting around her stomach at the thought of seeing their crew – their family.

As the Sickbay doors open, she is taken aback when she sees a few members of the Engineering team crowding around the door. However, when both her and Chakotay round the corner, she is completely floored at the sight of almost all the members of their crew lining the corridor.

Tuvok squeezes behind Chakotay and commands with a booming voice, “Attention on deck!”

As all the bodies move to attention, it takes a little nudge from Neelix behind them to get them to move. Taking their time as they walk down the corridor together, they each make sure to reach out by hand or by eye contact to show their gratitude.

As they come to the end of their honorary walk near the turbolift, they stop and turn towards the people they have gotten to know as their family.

Turning to Chakotay first, she is not surprised to see the same thankful smile keeping the emotions at bay. Reaching for his hand and squeezing it, she turns back to their family and calls out, “I'm sure I speak for both Commander Chakotay and myself when I say that this was the best welcome we could have ever received on Voyager. We have missed you these last few months and are excited to see each and every single one of you. Now let's get back on course to the Alpha Quadrant. Dismissed.”

When the turbolift doors open and their crew starts to disperse, both step into the lift. “Bridge.” Clutching her chest at the wave of emotions overwhelmingly rushing through her body, the doors close on so many smiling and bright faces. “That was…”

“Amazing,” he simply supplies. Turning to her, he bows his head and murmurs against the hum of the machinery around them, “Thank you for saying something. I think if I were to have opened my mouth, I would have cried like a little baby.” Taking in a deep breath he sees her silently nodding in both in agreement and gratitude. “How are you holding up? Are you ready to get back to duty?”

“It's been a challenge to not reach out for you whenever I want.” Flicking her eyes down at their still combined hands, she whispers, “Thank you for letting me hold your hand.”

Squeezing her fingers affectionately, he reasons, “The crew is used to the sight of your little touches. Some find it amusing, most find it comforting.” Giving her hand a squeeze one more time, he timidly let’s it go before turning towards the doors. 

Turning towards the door herself, she tries to not let the loss of his comforting heat affect her decision to suspend their relationship. As hard as it has been to accept the darkness back into her life, she is somewhat comforted that he will always fear the lightness that Chakotay brings into her life.

Wanting to say something but is unable to find anything remotely substantial to talk about, she remains quiet, enjoying her last true moments as Kathryn the woman before walking onto the bridge as Kathryn Janeway the Captain of Voyager.

As the seconds tick down to the doors opening, he concentrates on the door and murmurs, “I will miss our nights together.” He can feel the tubrolift slowing down as it is just about to reach its destination. “Here’s to looking forward, Kathryn.”

Just as her heart marks one beat against her chest, the lift doors open to the bridge in front of them.

Reminding herself to breath, she pushes down the sting of loneliness as she takes her first step out onto the Captain’s domain. Finding comfort in the close proximity he has taken behind her, she takes charge of the bridge as she has always done and makes her way to her seat in front of the view screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene in ST:TNG where the crew gave Worf a honorable goodbye in the episode “Redemption” still gives me goosebumps. It’s one of my favorite moments and I hope I did it justice.


	5. That’s the Time You Miss Him Most of All

**Stardate: 49923**

-Beep, Beep-

Registering the still foreign sound in her mind, she allows herself the privacy for a few more seconds. “Come in,” she murmurs as she looks back out into the dark expanse surround her ship.

Mentally calculating the distance between Voyager and the planet she had left Kathryn behind, she quickly shuffles it to the back of her mind – _where it belongs_ – as her visitor stands in attention in front of her.

Tuvok stands just before the coffee table and offers her a PADD. “Captain, here are several of the ship’s logs on our activities while you and the Commander were sequestered on New Earth.”

“I have read most of the department reports since being back in command and I'm glad to see that the ship was running at maximum efficiency, with the exception, of course, with your run in with the Vidiians.”

Bowing his head in confirmation, he adds, “The exchange of goods with the Vidiians was my idea and my idea alone. If you now feel the need to reprimand me for my actions--”

Waving her hand, she invites him to sit next to her with the flick of her wrist. “There is no need, Tuvok. I am thankful that at least one of us was able to procure an antidote.”

Lifting his brow, he asks, “Were you unsuccessful with your own attempts at producing an antidote?”

Letting her cold cup of coffee rest against her knee, she thinks back to the earlier days of their entrapment.

_In the first few months, I was fiercely determined to find the cure for our incurable disease. Despite all odds placed against us, I was going to make the antidote. Period. The end._

_Yet, at night, while I laid awake in my bed, restless as an answer refused to show itself to me, one question kept popping up, treacherously, in my mind. Seeing his silhouette through the frosted windows, I tried with all my might to erase it, hide it, cover it with thoughts of theories and scientific proof to debunk those theories, but it never truly went away._

_What were we going to do after the antidote was found? But, most importantly, if there was no cure, would I reside to live my life with the same loneliness I had become content to live with when trapping Voyager in the Delta Quadrant?_

_Despite my silent war with myself, Chakotay had made a home out of the Starfleet issued gray walls. He made it seems as if he knew our destiny already and had succumbed to its undeniable and refreshing change. Despite the sickness that had invaded his body, Chakotay had seemed revitalized at the change of his life._

_He took on more roles in the upkeep of the house and the land around us, rather than the science that brought us there to begin with. He was determined – possibly just as determined as I was at finding a cure – to make us as comfortable as possible. He tried to convince me on numerous times to look at the positives, but I was too stubborn to want to see them._

_THere were small hiccups, of course, however both of us were determined to live our different lives side by side, until the plasma storm had hit._

“We were caught in a plasma storm one day, probably about four weeks before we had answered your rescue hail.” Her thumb glides along the rim of the coffee mug as she studies the pool of black liquid. “It had destroyed almost everything, including most of my research. We were able to fix our home and repair some of the machines, yet, most of my work was gone.”

Noticing the emotional change in her voice when she had said ‘our home’, he asks, “Is that when your relationship changed from a professional one to a personal one?”

The starkness of his question shocks her at first. Chalking up the nerve to look at her best friend, she stares into his soft brown eyes and reminds herself that the coldness of his question stems more from his Vulcan upbringing rather than how he is regards her. “I could lie to you, but knowing you for as long as I have, you would have seen right through me.”

As her answer solidifies his inquiry, he stamps down the need to remind her of her place when it comes to companionship.

Yet, she sees it; his disappointment at her fall from a captain’s grace. Closing her eyes to stop the tears that have been threatening to fall since their return back to Voyager, she is slightly startled when she feels his warm hands cover hers.

Despite the repeated argument that needs to be made with keeping up her appearance, it was never his intention to make her cry. _She is the only person in this part of the galaxy that I am able to call my friend_.

Finding strength in his firm grip, she says, “After that storm, when everything lay in ruin, I had a choice to make; live like a lonely captain, something I was surely accustomed to; or, live in happiness, something I had never dreamed for myself. After a few hours, I chose happiness.”

Slowly opening her eyes, she lets a stray tear fall down her cheek as she confesses, “I was the happiest I had ever been in a long time during those last few weeks.”

Gently squeezing her hands, he hesitates before asking, “And now?”

Staring down at their combined hands, she whispers, “With the rank squarely placed back on my shoulders, I have once again returned to my lonely existence as the Captain of this vessel.” 

“I know you would prefer to not hear this, especially at this particular time, however I would be remised in my duties as, not only your second officer, but also as your friend when I say, it is best to distance yourself from your feelings of him while we close the distant gap between here and the Alpha Quadrant.”

_No_ , her resolve slowly crumbs into space dust, _didn’t he hear me say how happy I have been?_

Noticing her bottom lip trembling from the surge of emotions coasting along her veins, he vehemently adds, “You must stay strong and resolute in your convictions. It would be unfair to him, and to yourself, if you succumbed to your passions for one another when you know it to be impossible to maintain.”

Taking in a gulp of recycled air, she does her best to stamp down the tiny voice dying to break free to argue against his logical point. “A life lived in misery is no life at all.”

For a mere nanosecond, a sliver of sadness as well as an image of his wife crosses his eyes before he states, "That is the unfortunate consequence to the decision we made when we decided to destroy the Caretaker’s array almost two years ago.”

Holding her breath, she silently gives into her sobs that has been violently wreaking her body for the past few days. She hates what he is saying and is ready to deny every single bloody word of it, yet it’s the truth in his words that is the only thing holding her back.

_Telling Chakotay the exact same thing on numerous occasions, it’s unfair that the moment I am ready to take back those hurtful words is the moment I am reminded of how real they are_.

Lifting up his hand, Tuvok catches a few of her tears with his thumb. Telling his friend – _my only friend in this Quadrant_ , he reminds himself again – that she is not allowed to live like the rest of her crewmates is in actuality the hardest thing he’s ever had to do in his service with Starfleet.

Yet, it is his duty to remind his Captain – _and my friend_ – that there is a bigger picture when it comes to seeing the vessel safely home. “I am sorry.” It is the only words he can think to say as he swipes away another salty tear. Knowing that he has now overstayed his welcome, he retracts his hands and stands in front of her. “If there is nothing else you need from me, Captain, I will be on the bridge.”

Swiping away the rest of her drying tears with the back of her hand, she places her cup on the table in front of her and nods, “Dismissed.” Despite his advice and rawness from her emotions still seeping out of every pore, she resumes her thoughts of her time on New Earth while staring out of the window.

Just as Tuvok steps in front of the door to let it slide open, he looks back at his Captain with the words of joy at having both of them back on board safely. However, when he sees another tear escape the crease of her eye to mark an invisible trail down her cheek, he stops himself and walks out onto the bridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that they have their experiences of New Earth behind them, how will they be able to move forward from it? 
> 
> Thank you for your continued support! I will be posting the next story hopefully soon.
> 
> Goodbye 2017, hello 2018!


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